Is There Such Thing as Being Too Nice? Is it Hurting My Relationships?

insta: @graciegorka

written by: ava dickson & gracie gorka

“Treat others the way you want to be treated”, “don’t be so critical”, “be kind whenever possible because it’s always possible”, all the bullshit you were told when you were younger still haunts you, I’m sure. Today we are diving deep on how being nice is one thing, but being too nice is another thing, and most times it gets you in deep shit. Yes, being too nice is a thing, so why is it so bad? Part of being That Bitch is being honest with yourself, when you’re too nice you develop personal borders that keep you from doing that. 

Being too nice and being too mean are equally as harmful to any sort of relationship, whether that be social, platonic, romantic, sexual, or otherwise. From what I’ve learned in my experience [Ava] is that people, specifically men, respond a lot more clearly with their intentions to the independent and sassy girl. The nice girl oftentimes gets walked all over by men due to her submissive tendencies. But with the sassy girl, no one wants to challenge her way of life. Think about it this way- being “too mean” will steer people who can’t handle you away and being “too nice” will invite in people who see you as an opportunity. Same goes for friendships, if you are too nice to people their interest in you will slowly deteriorate or they will find a way to take advantage of you because they know you won’t do anything about it. From what I [Gracie] have experienced as someone who was considered “too nice” it was always hard for me to be in the right. I would always think it was me who would have to apologize, I would always feel bad for expressing my feelings and I would just bottle it up. The worst part was I would always put myself back into those situations with the mindset: “It’ll get better if I spend more time with them”, and what would happen? I would end up even more hurt than before. That Bitch in me eventually had to tell myself THAT’S NOT HEALTHY. Being too nice has negative effects both mentally and physically, it causes people paranoia, stress, anxiety, depression, most of the time over things that can be avoided. You can still be nice but have boundaries. This word is full of manipulation and if you don’t set your boundaries people will forever continue to walk all over you. So, how do you tell if you’re being too nice? Do people only text you to hang out when you have access to something they don’t? Do you find yourself getting ghosted the majority of the time you start talking to someone? Are you somehow always apologizing after fights with a friend or significant other even if they are the initial issue? And last but not least, are you comfortable being caught in situations like such? You’re here because you want to better yourself and become That Bitch, and like we mentioned before, it all starts with being honest with yourself. A lot of times we see that the nice girl/guy/person is resistant to change, confrontation, and values how others feel more than themselves, but yet they still wonder why they’re so lonely or why nobody ever listens to them.  Now don’t even try coming after us in the comments saying “but I’m just empathetic! That’s not a bad thing!” You’re right, it’s not. The bad thing is that you don’t see the line between being empathetic and choosing to prioritize your own mental health. That Bitch is just as empathetic as the nice girl, only she sets boundaries with people who make her feel invalidated, abused, unseen, and unheard. That Bitch also respects when boundaries have been put up with her by others. If you answered yes to any of the questions above then great! Being self aware is the perfect place to start! Losing touch with your own well being is the root of the “too nice” issue. 

Now how do we fix these root issues? It’s all about the mindset. At this point your mind is hardwired to allow social insecurity to take over your every move. For example, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” Sally and Suzy are making fun of you from across the room at a party and you know it. The next Monday in class you let Sally and Suzy catch a ride home afterwards because “I would want them to drive me home.” Newsflash sweetheart- we don’t live in a hypothetical world, this shit would never happen in real life! Start thinking realistically. Don’t give them a ride home! They treated YOU with disrespect first therefore that must be how THEY want to be treated. Acknowledge that they are using you for your inability to say no and then act on it. Psychology proves that people always want what they can’t have. You will never have the respect of those girls, in fact the only reason you wanted them to like you is because they outwardly don’t. Do not become the victim of your own morals. If you don’t set your boundaries or look past those rose colored glasses you’ve put on to ignore those insecurities and fears, then NOTHING WILL CHANGE. That Bitch, for example, would have ignored them at the party as well as in class. She would not even react to their existence, simply walking out of class before they have the chance to ask for a ride home. “But what if they get mad at me? What if they get upset?” who gives a fuck, it’s not your problem. You cannot control how others feel about you, you can only control how you choose to respond to their feelings. Your actions as the newly reincarnated Bitch will show them that they are irrelevant to you and they will leave you alone furthermore. The same concept applies with men. You may find yourself saying “I would want him to snap back right away so I’m gonna snap back right away.” EERRR. Wrong bitch. You are not the one. Again, people always want what they can’t have, if he sees you as unattainable or hard to reach it will only make him feel more special when you finally do respond. The nice girl would, unfortunately, respond right away every time the notification popped up on her phone only to be ghosted almost immediately after. Why? Who the hell would do such a thing to a sweet girl like The Nice Girl? Because men do not want something they do not have to fight for. It’s like getting handed a participation trophy after showing up while the rest of your teammates are putting the work in to get the gold medal. So for now, delete the phrase “Treat others the way you want to be treated” and treat YOURSELF the way you want to be treated.

(*For more in depth methods to change your habits at the root, refer to the book Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.)

So if being too nice is bad then what is being too mean? Depends, really. Being “too mean” is much different from being too mean, if you know what I’m trying to say. Being “too mean” refers to standing your ground, not being scared to say no, not changing your personal standards of human decency to make someone else feel comfortable. If the person or thing you’re trying to attract doesn’t like your respect for yourself, don’t even waste your energy. “Too mean” is not actually someone who is rude or negative, they are just honest. When you start being honest with yourself and others around you about the comfortability of boundaries in your relationship(s), then it will be revealed to you pretty quickly who can respect you and who deserves to be cut off. Always stick to the phrase “If I’m Too Much, Go Find Less” when in doubt. Being too mean (no quotes), on the other hand, is just pick me energy and most times gets people nowhere. For more in depth information about Pick Me Girl Syndrome (PMGS) stay tuned for our article on the topic specifically. Examples of too mean is telling someone their sense of style, hobbies, things they’re proud of, or feelings are invalid. If your intent is to get someone to chase after you and want you more because they don’t have you now, this is where things get confusing. Being That Bitch is about being honest with yourself, yes I will keep repeating that because you need to have that ingrained into your subconscious mind ASAP. If you’re not honest with yourself then how are you going to know what to change and develop in yourself for the better. Remember, make them sweat a little but, without stripping them of their identity. This will just make the person or people you’re trying to attract stop talking to you all together. If your intent, however, is to just be mean to someone because they’re stupid, or rude, or just straight bitchy, then I don’t really care if you wanna be too mean to them. If the end goal is to be left alone by them completely, then babe, go for it! 

Do you see now how being too nice might be the real issue? If you’re ever finding yourself contemplating “why hasn’t he responded”, “she never asks me to hang out anymore”, “how do I get them to respect me” take a mental step back and reflect. Self reflection and being honest with yourself is one of the first steps to becoming That Bitch and we will keep saying it. Have you been nothing but kind to them and their behavior is yet to change? Yes? Then stop putting in the energy and they will stop putting in theirs. We know that it’s easier said than done, but if you don’t even try to change then you’re not going to see any results, you’re not going to feel better. Change is a scary thing, we all know it whether we want to acknowledge it or not, but you have to face it head on and that’s why we’re here to help. You are worth so much more than what someone else thinks of you always, so start by valuing yourself and watch it project. Remember, there are always going to be people who put in the energy for you and those are the people you’re going to want to keep in your life.  As long as you know the difference between being “too mean” and too mean, being too nice should never stop you from achieving your goals. After all, there are worst places to be than the Blocked List.

3 responses to “Is There Such Thing as Being Too Nice? Is it Hurting My Relationships?”

  1. I don’t believe there is such a thing as nice being equated with good. We, and Hollywood, make that mistake all the time. I don’t trust “nice” people. I trust honest people. The two are not the same. An honest person can be nice, and it’s real. A person who needs to be nice, seen as nice, I see something going on that’s not of the honest motivation.

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    1. Couldn’t have said it better myself! Thank you for giving us a read ❤

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      1. I remember reading, in past languages, sometimes, there were more terms for certain words, and I think that helped with clarity.

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